My year in review

It's that time again. The time for New Year's resolutions (that will be dropped by the first quarter) and reflection on the past year. 2013 has been full of ups and downs for me. It started off crappy. I was dealing with the death of my mom and the damaged relationships with two of my sisters, thanks to family drama. I felt like crap about myself and my poor wife wasn't sure what kind of mood I would be in from day to day.
    Then, on a whim, I applied for the show Extreme Weight Loss. I had managed to blame the vast majority of my emotions on my weight. I told myself over and over that if I could just lose the weight, things would be better. I would feel better. My problems wouldn't be so big. Truthfully, my weight was out of control. When I wasn't at work, I sat around the house and watched TV. I stuffed my face trying to push every emotion I had down deep where I couldn't feel them. I ate myself numb and my clothes were a daily reminder of that, which made me eat more, until I was quickly giving up on life. During the audition, I had to make a video, take pictures and openly admit that I had gotten to this point of unhealthiness. It was embarrassing and definitely forced me to look inside of myself.
    Anyway, I made it to the finals for the show. I met some amazing people who will forever have a piece of my heart. Each one of the people in CO have a story that will inspire you. Each one of them brought something to my life that I didn't even know I was missing. Each one of them continues to inspire me daily. I met Chris and Heidi Powell who are such an inspiration and such wonderful motivators. I learned more about myself in a week of being in Colorado (bucket list item, check!) than I had my entire life. Losing the weight was something I needed to do. It's something that is vital to my health, but it will not take away my problems. It won't make them any smaller and I will still have to deal with them. I would just get to wear smaller and much cuter pants while I did.
    While I was in Colorado, I had an epiphany. I learned that if I made the show, I would have to give up my job. You see, the city I work for wouldn't approve me to be off for 3 months. They didn't think I was fat enough to go on the show and since I could still perform my duties as a paramedic, they didn't think it was necessary for me to be on this show and take this opportunity. Ultimately, it was my choice. I could have walked away from my job and I was prepared to do just that before I went to Colorado. Then reality set in. How would I pay my bills? Is it fair to make my wife have to take care of our household and all of the finances while I'm gone for 3 months? What will I do for work when I get back? I worked hard to get to where I am. Could I really give it up at the drop of a hat? All of these questions were at the forefront of my mind, shouting at me like an annoying cheerleader using a bullhorn way too liberally. So I went to the producers and told them I couldn't do the show. I had to go home back to my life and I was confident that I could take this journey on my own (yeah, because it had worked so well in the past). So, back to Texas I came. All the way home, I didn't hear that cheerleader voice. Instead, I heard that all too familiar whisper of my own voice praising my decision to quit because, after all, you don't want to be a failure. Too much of the unfamiliar could definitely cause failure and you don't want the whole world seeing that, right? Exactly. Good job, self. Way to stick with what you know.
    I got back and my life returned to normal. I began talking to my sisters again and, slowly, we began to repair our relationship. I started to learn how to let go of the anger I had. No matter what was done to me or what happened that hurt me in the past, my heart felt full again. You see, my sisters were always a constant in my life. No matter how much we fought, they were always there in the end. So, having them both back in my life was a step in the right direction.
     I was a much happier person when I was working out and getting myself healthier. I went kayaking for crying out loud!! I was pretty certain that if my fat ass got into a kayak, the damn thing would tip over and I would drown because I was stuck upside down in a kayak. Sure enough, that didn't happen. I didn't flip once! I took my nephew to play laser tag and I didn't break out in a disgusting sweat and want to crouch in a corner because I was too out of breath from running around dodging lasers. Small feat for some folks, large one for this girl right here.
    I continued my workout regime and I went on to lose 30 pounds. I took 5 minutes off my time on our physical agility course at work and got the fastest female time. I felt super accomplished and felt like I was skipping down the right path. Woohoo!! Then, I hurt my knee and walked right back into the all too familiar knee surgery situation. I hate my knees, by the way. Down a couple months, quit working out, starting having yucky feelings again. It's like a stupid vicious cycle for me. So, after recovery, went back to work and all is well. Ate like a fat kid over the holidays and have since recommitted to my Colorado days (I act like there were so many).
    2013 brought me lesson after lesson after lesson and a couple of regrets. I learned that I'm really good at motivating people and cheering other people toward their goals. I'm great at believing in everyone but me. I give up on things because I'm scared. Maybe it was because of my wonderful childhood of always being told I wasn't going to succeed. Maybe it's just because I'm a sissy girl. Who knows and, frankly, it doesn't really matter. I learned that sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and follow your heart. If you don't, you will regret it for sure. I learned that I need to stop blaming people for why I didn't stick to something. EVERYTHING is ultimately my choice and mine alone. I learned that I can't be afraid of failure. Chris and Heidi taught me something that will stick with me forever. It is possible to fall without failing. I have to allow myself to fall every once in a while. So, 2014 is going to start off on a good note. We're going to Washington state for my birthday and I'm determined to spend lots of time outside enjoying the scenery. I am determined to make 2014 a much better year than 2013. I will not try to be skinny. I will focus on strong and healthy. I will follow my heart and deal with what other people think later, when I'm all happy and stuff because I followed my heart. I will commit to more time with family. They are what will always pull me through anything. I will make 2014 great. Well... I'm going to give it my best shot. :-)

Dog hair is the devil

My wife and I have become the dog ladies. I hear the first step is admitting it, the second is acceptance. So there. I admitted it. We have too many damn dogs!! I've been trying to clean the house all damn day... ok, let me not lie. I've been trying to clean the house for 2 damn hours and every time I turn around I find more dog hair. I've swept, mopped, swept, ran the vacuum and still, dog hair. I'm going to the store to buy some clippers. These dogs are about to rock the hairless look.

Here is our brood. Foster dog Sunny (who is in love with his new bed and has gone from being horribly mistreated in a hoarder house to obnoxiously spoiled in another potential hoarder house), Lucy and Lilly (who's love for each other is simply adorable), Shiloh and Bella (Shiloh is the annoying little sister Bella never wanted. You're welcome Bella) and Fat Sal, our lone cat. Excuse the mess on the bed with Fat Sal. I think we interrupted his business with the picture. Anyway, this is a full house indeed. A full and hairy house that requires way too much cleaning. I'm not a big fan of cleaning. So... the animals must be shaved. I'll post after pictures when I'm done.

Sunday Funday with a side of smiles

     Today was Sunday Funday at my grandma's casa. What that really means is everyone goes over to Grannymaw's house, sits around the table and catches each other up on the latest gossip while Grannymaw chain smokes and occasionally puts her two cents in. We usually snack on food that is less than healthy and a dinner that's sure to be mixed with butter, oil or some other deliciousness. I always leave there with a headache and awful smelling clothes. It's like the universe hands me the parting gift of a night feeling shitty to remind me why I never want to smoke again. Ever. I also leave there with a feeling of fullness that doesn't just come from the bad for me food. My heart is full. I love hanging out with my family and today I laughed harder than I have in a while. We shared stories about my mom and her goofy ways and it made me miss her, but today I missed her with a smile. Today, I didn't want to cry when I thought about my mom. Today I just laughed.

     My mom wasn't a normal mom. She was goofy, sometimes did dumb things, loud mouthed and could be downright mean. But, she was the most forgiving, funny, caring person I knew. She just did things in her own way. I think about her daily and wonder if she's putting certain reminders of herself in my life because she is afraid I'll forget her. I know that sounds weird, but, if you knew her, that makes perfect sense. Before she died, she wondered what her life meant, what her purpose was. She was worried that no one would remember her when she was gone. My step-dad (I use that term VERY loosely) forgot about her before she died. She was on the outs with my sister and hadn't seen her grandson in over a month. She was sad. So, maybe she would stick around in the afterlife to make sure she was remembered. Or, maybe I'm just obnoxiously obsessed with my mom and her death. Either way, the point I was trying to make was that I think about her everyday, but today was a good walk down memory lane. Well... that was a lot of tying for one small point.

    
          Anyway, this was my mom 2 days before she died. I know she doesn't look all that great here, but the coolest part about this picture is the pink bandana. I love wearing bandanas and she always used to tell me she could never pull it off. When she was going through chemo I tried to get her wear cute ones and she refused, saying she would look horrible. When she was put in the hospital the last time she said she would wear a bandana if she could wear it like me. So my baby sister promptly went to the store and bought 2 pink bandanas. She helped my mom put hers in so she would look like us. My mom was a fucking bandana rock star!

 

So here's where I was going with this whole thing. Today, there were definitely some missing pieces in our family gathering, but the ones that were there brought a smile to my face. I haven't felt my mom's presence so strongly in a place in a very long time. It was nice. It was nice to remember her sense of humor that was there until she died and even when she was sad. It was nice to remember all the goofy things she did. It was nice to brag on her for still being the Quarters champion. I miss my mom everyday and the events surrounding her illness and her death play a huge part in my weight struggles. I know the only way I'll be able to beat this is to deal with every facet of these issues and learn that food isn't where I need to turn. It's a heck of a lot easier said than done. I mean, every time I get sad about something I reach for a cupcake, a snack or anything else I can get my hands on because food just makes me feel better. This will always be a learning process and it will always be a struggle. It makes me feel a little better knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Today, I looked at an obstacle and smiled. Tomorrow, I will smile at another. This, my friends, is progress. 

Anybody want a biscuit?

     Ok, so I jumped on the juicing bandwagon. Well... really, I have just grabbed the handle and am kinda trotting along with the wagon. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to actually jump aboard. Anyway... juicing. Today, I made my second juice (seriously, just holding the handle) and I loved it! I've been doing some research on the health benefits of juicing and have found that it's pretty rad for you. And it helps that the ones I've made thus far (all two of them) haven't tasted half bad either. I've decided that I'm actually going to give this a go, at least with a juice a day or a few a weeks or whatever. Lemme tell you what it was that really prompted my new juicing craze (or wanna be craze).

     The wifey and I are going to see the USWNT (that's the country's soccer team for those of you that were about to hit up Google) in a couple of weeks. She ordered us t-shirts so we can look like super huge fans (We really are during the Olympics or the World Cup and stuff. Mostly I like to watch cute girls play soccer and be mean to each other.). Anyway, she asked me if she should go ahead and order these t-shirts because they look like they run small and they're ladies sizes (all my fellow chubby chicks know big girls don't wear normal ladies sized shirts if you want to look decent). So, of course I told her to order them. My god, how fat does she think I am?? They came in today and, not only did they send me a size smaller as if to send a friendly reminder that I had no business ordering this style t-shirt, but I look like a damn can of busted biscuits!!! This is a bunch of bullshit! So, I promptly went into the kitchen (well, after I did a little dance through the living room while I tried to get myself out of this shirt I had no business putting on in the first place) and juiced me some veggies, like that's going to make the shirt suddenly accentuate only my boobs and hide all the other fat rolls. As I drank it, I thought to myself, "Self, you seriously have to get your shit together. No excuses. No quitting. Like seriously."

     So that's it. I guess I'm grabbing the handle with 2 hands. Now, I don't expect juicing to make me lose weight or be a miracle diet plan. I just expect it to be another healthy choice I make. I expect it to help me take in more of the good stuff and less of the bad. I wanted a cupcake today, but instead, I juiced. Totally not even the same thing, but it makes me feel a little more accomplished.

     I'm still sending that damn devil shirt back with a strongly worded email. Bastards.
   

My maiden voyage

So here goes, ladies and gentlemen. It's my maiden voyage into the blogging world. I'm not sure how long this will last, but I figured, what the hell, may as well give it a go. A few months ago I started a journey that began in a bar in Dallas. (I know, this sounds like it's going to be a The Hangover kinda story right? Well... it is!!! Ok... I lied about that. It's nothing like The Hangover. Except for the binge drinking and seedy hotel party, but we'll get to that later.) So... back to the bar in Dallas. Many months ago I walked into a bar in Dallas with my friend (who I can't name because I haven't asked her if I can use her name and I don't want her getting all cranky if she didn't want me telling people she went to a bar with me in the middle of the day) in hopes to, maybe, get on a weight loss show. I figured this would be the only way I could take control of my life. You see, my mom had just passed away from cancer and, in the 2 years prior, I had ballooned to my heaviest weight... ever. After she passed away, my family got ripped to pieces and my world got turned upside down. (I'll spare you all the gory details.) I needed somewhere to plant my feet and someone to show me how to be me again. I wanted the happiness I saw in the people on that show when they lost all of their weight. I think, at that point, I just wanted something hopeful to cling onto. Anyway, I got picked as a finalist and they flew me to Colorado. Yay!!! While I was there, I met some of the most amazing and beautiful people I've ever been around. They were kind, supportive, caring and, most importantly, they each believed in me. Now, I know my family and friends here believe in me, but it's a totally different feeling when you realize that these new people in my life see something in me that I couldn't yet see. I made progress and had several breakthroughs while I was there. But... I also realized that being away from the family I had left and the friends that had been there for me was not the best thing for me. I felt like I needed to do this at home. So... came home, went to the gym daily, ate right, worked on me, lost 30lbs. Go me!!! Then... hurt my knee, got lazy, quit going to the gym, slacked on my food, REALLY slacked on my food, had ANOTHER knee surgery, gained 10lbs back. I totally lost track of my focus, my drive and my will power. Yesterday I decided it's time to get my head back in the game. I need to learn to hold myself accountable and I sure as hell need to learn to stick to the program. So, I'm starting this blog in an effort in accountability. It won't be all weight loss because, seriously, that would turn into some boring stuff. What it will be, however, is a little bit of weight loss, some struggles, some achievements, some falling (but not failing) and some celebration of me. So, welcome to my little world. :-)